MY STORY: Postnatal depression and post traumatic stress.

Approximately 4 weeks after Isla was born I noticed I was still feeling down with what my midwife had told me was the baby blues. I thought it was normal, feeling too anxious to go sleep even though I was exhausted, dreading Isla waking up for a feed and just generally feeling scared about being a mum.  Sounds pretty normal right? Having a baby is a big change its natural to be nervous, feel overwhelmed by the change in your life and every other emotion that comes with it but what's normal is wishing you weren't a mum 100% of the time (it's normal to have moments where you wish you weren't!) but when you look at your baby and you're filled with fear and regret, you've got a problem. That was me.

In no way did I feel the way the they portray postnatal depression on TV. Not once did I want to smother my baby or whatever else they say comes with it. I loved Isla as much as I do now, the same way any other mum loves their tiny baby. My problem was an overwhelming fear of guilt. It wasn't even that I didn't want to be a mum, I just didn't want to become a mum in the circumstances I did. I didn't want to have "failed" my baby from the moment she was entering the world, I didn't want her to have come into this world scared and in destress and about to die, but she did. I just wanted to go back and do it right, do it the "normal" way - have a normal story to tell instead of a horror story. I still wanted to be a mum, I still wanted to be a mum to Isla. I didn't want to be the mum who's baby was almost dead when she was born.

I'd loved Isla so much throughout my pregnancy, I wanted her SO much and I already had an overwhelming maternal instinct and need to protect her and love her but after my traumatic birth those feelings disappeared. The bond I felt with my baby was gone. All I felt when I looked at her was guilt, like I was the worst mother ever within seconds of becoming one. Id wanted nothing more than to protect her, how could I have failed at that so much that she almost died? I thought there was no way I could make up for that. 

I didn't mention anything at first, I thought it was normal. My midwife asked if I felt overwhelmed and I obviously said yes and she assured me it was normal, the bit I missed out wasn't that I felt overwhelmed with love, happiness and pride it was with a sense of failure and disappointment. But she said it was normal to feel overwhelmed, right? 

Days passed and I avoided holding her and changing her and feeding her as much as I could without making it too obvious that I wasn't feeling this motherhood thing and before I knew it 2 weeks had passed. It was time for Carl's paternity leave to end and him to go back to work, but it was nearly Christmas - I had to do 2 days before he was off again for 10. 

I could manage that. 

Feed. Wind. Change. Sleep. Repeat.

Christmas came and went and I blamed my feeling miserable on constipation and tiredness (which wasn't a lie) but I knew deep down there was something else holding me back. But I was just feeling overwhelmed - it's normal, remember? 

By now Islas a month old and I've changed minimal nappies and every second that she slept I'd watch her praying she didn't wake up until Carl could see to her, at night id watch her  and not sleep because if I did I knew I would just dream and relive her birth so I'd do my best to keep myself awake or make sure my sleeps were all short and light so I didn't dream. I could do this because it would pass soon enough.

Nope, it didn't pass. Every time she cried, every time she struggled to burp, every time her poo leaked out of her nappy, every time all the bottles were dirty and every time she didn't quite drink as much as she did last time I blamed myself - I felt in some way it was my fault her poo was that bit too big for her nappy to handle or that she wasn't quite as hungry as she was 5 hours ago because I was just doing it all wrong.

All these feelings came to the surface in one big go. I had a melt down and for the first time in 4 weeks I didn't lie in bed scared to dream, I lay there wondering where it all went wrong and how I'm managed to lose control so badly. 

The next morning I went to the doctors and asked for help. They diagnosed me with post natal depression and suspected post natal post traumatic stress disorder and I was out on medication to help.

1 month later I'm feeling better. These feelings never go away, I doubt I'll ever fully accept that I can't change the way she came into the world, and every time she cries I'll always wonder if it something I did or didn't do and I still have moment where I feel like I'm completely alone where no one understands how I feel, what my experience is and that no one wants to know either but that's part and parcel of this illness. But you know what? I have the most amazing support around me and when Isla wakes up and looks around the room for me and her eyes light up the second she sees me - I know it.

 I'm doing it right. 

DIARY: 1 month postpartum update

My stitches have pretty much completely healed now, I'm not sore at all other than some pressure when I go to the toilet but nothing I can't live with. My infection cleared up with my antibiotics so by week 3 I was feeling a lot better and by week 4 even better. 

I've had some constipation since I gave birth which isn't helped by the pressure I feel when I go to the toilet making me even more nervous about going, so I've been relying on lactulose and the occasional senokot dose to keep going! 

I still feel exhausted, which I suppose is only normal with a small baby. I'm not just physically exhausted from having less sleep but mentally exhausted because you can never truely relax once you've had a baby! 

I've been struggling to cope with day to day tasks feeling very overwhelmed by everything and very emotional so I'm going to see my GP soon. 

DIARY: 1 month old

How old? 

1 month. 

How big is Isla? 

At 4 weeks she was 8 lb 4 oz. 

Total weight gain? 

1 lb 13 oz. 

Clothes size? 

Tiny baby/small baby. 

How is Isla sleeping?

She tends to sleep 12.30am-6.30am, 7am-10am and then has two 90minute sleeps in the day. 

How is Isla feeding?

Islas has 4 oz every 4-5 hours. 

Favourite toy?

No toys, she likes lying on her back looking around and kicking her legs and also likes her swing but not her bouncer!

Best moment this month? 

Her first smiles, definitely! 

Any concerns? 

Nothing with Isla just with myself. 

I struggled to bond with Isla since she was born as I was quite traumatised by my labour and I'm still struggling with my moods, feeling very overwhelmed by the changes in your life that come with having a baby.

What I'm looking forward to? 

Getting more in a routine regarding being a mum, taking time to organise the house and more smiles. 

Physical milestones? 

She's holding her head up better and better each week and the same with being more aware. 

The smiles now and not just windy smiles! 

 

Mental milestones?

The awareness, she looks likes she's mentally processing her surroundings now rather than just seeing. Smiling if that counts as a mental milestone? 

She's more aware of when you're moving around or not when you're holding her, getting fed up when you stay still. She also watches you and where you go when you're not holding her. 

Any first?  

Smiles

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My 5 favourite places to buy baby clothes

1) H&M 

As much as I want Isla to look like a girl, I'm really not a fan of lots of pink or characters. But at the same time I don't want her to be dressed all in white or yellow! I find H&M are the best place to buy greys, blacks and purples etc. And a lot of their pinks weren't TOO pink either! 

I also love the long sleeved vests from h&m that cross over the front rather than going over the head! 

2) Next 

I find that next are also good for finding things that aren't covered in characters, a lot of nexts baby girls clothes are floral, polka dot, striped etc. rather than covered in characters which I really like! Next is my favourite place to buy sleepsuits for Isla! 

I also love the next 3 months+ clothes which are like tiny adults clothes and can't wait to be buying them for Isla! 

3) Primark 

I personally think Primark is great value for money for baby items, why pay £20+ for an outfit for baby (for example for river island!) when they're going to grow out of it in a couple months if they haven't already stained it with poo or sick? I also think a lot of primarks baby clothes are really stylish and again it isn't over run with baby pinks and characters. I found some lovely cream/white top with Jeggings outfits from Primark, bought a few dresses and some lovey knitted leggings too. 

4) Sainsburys 

Sainsburys baby clothes are lovely, I even swooned over the baby boys clothes. Again they're great value for money and they aren't all baby pink or covered in characters. I find that a lot of sainsburys baby girls clothes are red, burgundy and blue or floral which I love! 

5) TK Maxx

Although it's very hit and miss you can find some lovely bits from TK Maxx if you look often enough and the outfits start from £7.99 which I think is amazingly cheap!   

DIARY: 2 weeks postpartum update

Week 1 (8/12/15-15/12/15):

I mentioned in my labour story that I had an episiotomy and stitches in my labour so at 1 week postpartum I was still trying to heal and recover, I found the first week hard because I was VERY sore, couldn't move about because I was sore (couldn't even lift my arms without my stitches pulling and being painful!) so I was doing very little because everything was so painful. 

My milk came in at day 4 and my boobs were SO tender it was unbelievable so trying to get comfy and not be in pain with my boobs or stitches in between being up with Isla was very difficult and I was just exhausted, physically and emotionally. 

Becoming a mum is a massive shock to the system and baby blues hit me very hard because I was already struggling emotionally to come to terms with the labour when the baby blues hit I was inexplicably emotional and cried almost constantly for 2 or 3 days! Obviously being tired doesn't help you stay calm and think rationally! 

I spent the majority of the first week in my pyjamas and changed them every day after a shower into a clean pair.  

Week 2 (15/12/15-22/12/15):

1 week after delivery I was rushed back into hospital by ambulance after I became unconscious with agonising stomach pain, they suspected an infection in my womb and wanted me to stay in hospital but I refused and so I was discharged with a course of antibiotics. 

My stitches were feeling a little better by now but I was still incredibly sore. I could now lift my arms and wash myself and I'd finally been to the toilet but I still couldn't separate my legs far, sit completely comfortably or go to the toilet with ease yet. 

My milk was slowly going, my boobs were still leaking but they weren't half as tender as they were before! Sleeping with a tight non underwired bra on worked miracles! 

I was up and about this week and going out but would get extremely tired out very quickly and my stitches would start to rub after being on my feet for too long so I had to just take it easy when I went out and try and accept I couldn't do as much as I'd like - frustrating when you're trying to do Christmas shopping! 

I wasn't as emotional in week 2 as I was but I was still feeling very emotionally drained and struggling to keep positive, I was really anxious about Christmas and Carl going back to work too and about being on my own with Isla for the first time in the day and about there being increased pressure for me to do the nights on my own. 

Islas first Christmas

We didn't buy much for Islas first Christmas because money is tight now that I'm off work and we wanted to use some money to buy a Christmas tree so we could feel Christmassy, but for Christmas Isla had:

- Chad Valley deluxe play gym 

- Munchkin door bouncer 

- Chad Valley baby 10 piece gift set

- Baby inflatable ring play seat 

- Mini laser projector disco light 

- LED crystal magic ball disco light 

- some clothes 

- a section of teething toys 

- some books 

We'd also like to say thank you to everyone who bought Isla presents for Christmas! 

DIARY: 2 weeks old

How old? 

2 weeks. 

How big is Isla? 

7 lb 1 oz.

Total weight gain? 

+ 9 oz 

Clothes size? 

Tiny baby/small baby. 

How is Isla sleeping?

Same as last week, lots. She wakes every 4-5 hours for a feed and stays awake for about 30 mins after a feed. Isla slept 12 (midnight) - 7am for the first time this week.  

How is Isla feeding?

Islas has 3 oz every 4-5 hours. 

Favourite toy?

No toys, but she likes lying on her back and watching the tv or looking around so we're wanting to buy her a activity mat instead of her lying on the sofa, carpet, bed or changing mat. 

Best moment this week? 

Going Christmas shopping and having people stop us to complement us on how small and beautiful she is. Making the most of family time before Carl goes back to work. 

Any concerns? 

Still her nose, but I'm also nervous about Carl going back to work and my first full days looking after Isla on my own.

What I'm looking forward to? 

Carl being off for Christmas and Islas first Christmas in general! 

Physical milestones? 

She's already trying to hold her head up and managing it for quite a good length of time. She's a lot more aware when she's awake, looking around to see what's going on. 

Mental milestones?

The awareness, she looks likes she's mentally processing her surroundings now rather than just seeing.

Any first?  

First trip out on the bus, first time sleeping through (if you could 12-7 - I do!). 

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